My daughter cant read

17 Sep 2010 | 15:03:08 Hello Frustrated Parent

I think that often there is a fine line that we tread between allowing our children independence of thought and action, and then knowing when to take matters into our hands because we have a clearer idea of what serves their best interests.

I can understand that your daughter is probably terrified of having to confront something with which both she and you feel uncomfortable. And 11 is a self-conscious age at the best of times.

However, perhaps this is one of those times where you do, indeed, know what is best for your daughter and that you need to stand firm and guide her because right now, she is not in a position to think either clearly or logically.

I would arrange for her to see a therapist - one who understands and knows how to work with children. It might be quite a struggle to get her to go there; but if the therapist is worth their salt, they will be familiar with how she is feeling, and will know how to work with her to allay those fears, and then to address her literacy.

If you follow the cues that your daughter is giving you, then the problem will only get larger - for both her and you - as she gets older.

All the best,

Sarah

20 Sep 2010 | 14:33:33 Dear Frustrated Parent

I'd never want to tell you to do anything - really, the decision rests entirely with you; and as a coach my primary aim would be to help you come to the best decision for you and your daughter.

However, I think that I speak here as a parent more than a coach. I love my son and want him to develop into an independent person who is more than capable of knowing his own mind. However, when he is still a child, he will still have many things to learn, and it is up to me to guide him when I feel that it is his fear, rather than any real threat, that is holding him back.

That's why I suggest a therapist who can help your daughter with her fear first, which should make the literacy a far less daunting prospect for her.

Are you looking for a literacy therapist, i.e. someone who specifically deals with illiteracy in children and/or adults? I think that would be your best bet. Then, at least, your daughter wouldn't need to visit two different people, if she had to leave the house. I am certain that if you ask the correct questions, that you will find someone who is receptive and able to deal with your daughter's fears as well as her struggles with literacy - it should be part and parcel of the whole process, if you see what I mean.

A question that occurs to me: is your daughter only fearful of this specifically? Or have you had to deal with, or do you continue to deal with, other fears apart from this one? For example, is she fearful of going out to the point where it affects your lives? I just want to get an idea whether this fear is a natural reaction to having to see someone for something about which she is ashamed, or whether the fear is more deep-seated than that, and might require separate intervention.

Would you let me know?

Thank you and kind regards

Sarah
edited by Sarah Taylor on 9/20/2010

22 Sep 2010 | 11:29:35 Dear Frustrated Parent

I agree - I think that it would be a good idea to inform the therapist about this. In fact, I think your best approach would be to address the fear and the illiteracy separately, as I am doubtful that you will find someone who is qualified to do both, given that your daughter's anxiety is not limited to her inability to read.

I would treat both matters as a high priority - especially the fears. The sooner that your daughter receives help, the faster she will be able to function socially and the easier it will be for her to work with someone who can help her improve her literacy.

I know that this is probably very daunting for you; but the longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be for your daughter. I think the best thing for her right now is to be guided, however reluctantly, to those experts who can help her, rather than your being guided by her fears to the point where you feel unable to do anything for her.

With best wishes

Sarah

24 Sep 2010 | 16:15:19 I'd like to thank the both of you (ben and sarah) for the nice advice you have been giving us.

As I mentioned earlier we will take our daughter to see a therapist, and I will let you know how it goes if I remember to.

Have a nice weekend
The Frustrated Parent

24 Sep 2010 | 18:40:50 Hi Frustrated parent
There are counsellors who specialise in counselling for people with learning needs.
Colleges usually have a department for people with learning needs like dyslexia.
An Educational therapist can be accessed through schools -
Have you tried British association for Dyslexia they may have a list of therapists in your area or GoMentor, this site has many counsellors who could help.
I am a counsellor who supports people with learning needs such as dyslexia - if you would like a chat let me know and I will set up a free 10 min session - I am specialising in this area of work and would be happy to help.

30 Sep 2010 | 21:32:10 Espinoza_Salazar wrote:


My thoughts Espinoza

Your daughter could have a specialist problem, like aspergers syndrome, autism, or something psychological going on. There should be a counsellor, social worker, nurse or doctor associated with the school whom you can chat to and whom will be able to bring in a specialist to chat to your daughter in an environment where she feels comfortable. Then decisions can be made about whether she requires specialist educational services, perhaps a medical check should be conducted too.

Recently a mother contacted me about her 16 year old son who had developed agoraphobia, I went to her house and he said that he would like to chat to me in the comfort of his own home on the settee in the family lounge. Later, he said I had helped him, but I advised him to see the school social worker or nurse, and to let his form teacher know what was going on etc. He did go back to school, I am not sure what happened, but his Mum said things had improved alot. Sometimes they just need somebody else who is not too close, to chat to and to help boost their confidence a bit. Sue

2 Oct 2010 | 07:46:40 I'm happy for you that you've taken these first steps, FP. I hope your daughter has found someone who can help her and who she feels comfortable around.

I would love to hear any further updates you have.

With best wishes

Sarah

5 Oct 2010 | 14:21:37 Dear FP,

I share your happiness that you seem to have managed to find someone who can help your daughter, and with whom your daughter feels comfortable.

It is also good that your therapist picked up on the anxiety, which means it can be addressed sooner rather than later.

The amount of counselling that the therapist recommends sounds spot on, in my opinion. Therapy is usually conducted over months, not weeks; and once a week is standard procedure for this kind of therapy. More profound problems sometimes require twice-weekly appointments, for example (though I would guess that this is rather more for adults than children); and some modes of therapy actually require that the client attends every day. Just so that you can see what your daughter's therapist is suggesting in a wider context.

All I would add is that the process can sometimes seem slow, but that doesn't mean that nothing is happening. Far from it. If you are committed to making sure your daughter attends weekly, and you are comfortable with how the therapist works, then it can be an incredibly rewarding experience - both for you and for your daughter.

Please keep in touch.

With best wishes

Sarah

4 Feb 2012 | 04:02:49 As she moves to boarding school, they may have classes for weak readers, but this means giving up an elective class in something that could also be great for her, like art, music, technology, or some other area.
edited by pido on 04-02-2012