What's Wrong With Me

10 Sep 2010 | 07:42:35 There are so many categories for counseling that I don't know which to focus upon. Here's the deal. I am a 64 year old gay male. I had a lover who died 12 years ago. We were together for 20 years - the last 8 I was his caregiver. I suffer extraordinary guilt as irrational as that logically sounds. I split with Patrick just at the time that Aids was being passed around with little knowledge it was out there. It was long enough for him to contract the disease.

The loss of Patrick raised all kinds of things from the distant past - a violent father who humiliated me nightly at the dinner table, a brother who seduced me when I was 11 and used me and then the minister who tried to put the make on me and got upset when I rejected his advances. He then performed a "hell fire and brimstone" sermon condemning all gays while making me feel he was talking directly to me. I wanted to kill myself after that but finally came out of the closet.

Alcoholism has been in my life since about the age 25. I am a functional alcoholic being highly successful in business. But alcohol was used to (illogically) cope with my extraordinary shyness... or fear of other people. This naturally made personal relations more difficult instead of easier. I've always had a very very difficult time forming close relationships. Until I came fully out of the closet I was living two lives.

So there you have it all. Grief, guilt, relationship problems, alcoholism all bolstered by this horrible childhood and adolescence period.

None of this means I haven't had fun in my life. None of this makes me suicidal. From time to time depression can creep up. I adopted Nichiren Buddhism through the Soka Gakkai. This is a very inward focused type of meditation. I am very introverted.

Where do I start?

10 Sep 2010 | 17:18:26 Hi Daghome, I just spent half an hour replying to you and somehow it got lost! Well I better walk my talk and do it all again, cos these things happen and when they do its no good thinking about them its a case of picking myself up and getting on with it.

I replied from the heart so I guess this reply may be different to the last as now I am in thinking mode rather than feeling mode so I will try to repeat the theme of my reply at least.

I was trying to help you to be clear about what you want. If you want to spend a lot of time trying to understand your life in the past then a counsellor will definately help but it may take along while.

As a coach I tend towards using therapy to help remove the resistance that the past causes in our present but I like to do that quickly. This may be by cognitive coaching, EFT, Reiki and usually a combination of the three. I also find hypnotherapy helps.

To me you sound like a person who understands himself quite well, you have done well to overcome battles in life that many would fall at the first hurdle.

To decide what you want, try to approach the problem at a time when you are deeply relaxed, breathing deeply and aware of your body. Try not to think too much and begin to feel more.

There are many therapists on this site and each may have a different approach, the ones that will be right for you are likely to be the ones that feel right to you.

Even life coaches and therapists face relationship problems, alcohol dependence, childhood residue, guilt and depression. The difference is that they have learned tools and techniques that have worked so well for them that they can't wait to share them to help others.

I would say to you that at 64 you are a brilliant age to share your experience, concentrate upon the times you were successful in achieving fun and plan to recreate them and help others who are facing difficulties that you have overcome.

I personally avoid spending too long on my mistakes and the things I cannot change but keep them in my peripheral vision so as to ensure I do not carelessly repeat them. So what do you really want? Maybe the key is to decide that and then plan how you can achieve it. Who can help you ? Are you wants realistic? How much do you really want them? Is your guilt worse than mine? Is your past worst than mine? Are you more dependent on alcohol than me? Does it really matter? What does matter in miy mind is what is going on now, what is missing? How can I find it? What am I grateful for? Sorry if I have gone on a bit but believe me I know that today and tommorrow are going to be good. Thats what matters. Good luck with your quest, I hope as many therapists as possible reply so you can feel which is right for you.

11 Sep 2010 | 10:30:10 Dave
every day is an opportunity for a new beginning, my mum is 90 years old, fit, healthy and enjoys every moment. For years she has had arthritus but seldom allows it to take control. If you are lucky enough to reach her age the next 26 years years could be the best you ever had. I personally use sound meditation daily. I awake at 3 or 4 am and put headphones on and let my mind go where ever it wants to go. then I go back to bed and wake up feeling like I slept for a thousand years. I'm sure you know already with your spiritual practice that to become your own witness is the key to self understanding. Enjoy........................